It's been awhile.

Looking back 20 years later, it's amazing to note how life turned out the way it did. No, “amazing” isn’t the right word. At that very moment, it was devastating – so utterly crushed was my bright, hopeful heart, so utterly razed to the ground the dreams built on youthful idealism. They say time heals. Perhaps, but I prefer to believe that time numbs. Some scars don’t fade – they manifest themselves in the form of a crooked smile in memory of events. You know, the kind that doesn’t make it to your eyes. So yeah, perhaps a better word than “amazing” would be…mind-blowing. It wasn’t entirely terrible, because fatalism, which set in after a while, dictated that I see the best in everything. When you learn to watch for the slightest hint of beauty in the midst of murky darkness, you tend to notice so much more. Life wasn’t always painful, it was seldom totally bad, it was never without that glimmer of hope.

I don’t remember every single detail of what took place, but when I try to, the familiar feelings flood over me with overwhelming intricacy, leaving me descending into what seems to be the cellar of my heart. Over the years, the door hinges have rusted. I gradually stopped reliving the heartbreak and heartache. I have stopped feeling sorry for myself. It was easier to march forward mechanically, holding back the tears till an opportune time when no one was watching. There were times I second-guessed my choices. I was proud and young then. I took matters into my own hands with the detached pragmatism I so prized. No one knew the pretzel my heart had twisted into, and I didn’t want their pity anyway. No, I didn’t want their wisdom, I wanted to take full responsibility for our mistake. My mistake. I wanted to do what was noble, forgetting in youthful pride that my judgement of what was best could be clouded. I don’t believe what I did was noble anymore, but I don’t know if I would have wanted it any other way either.

I’m sorry for everything you didn’t have a say in. Life would have been different (though not necessarily better) if you did. I thought it was best that you didn’t know anything – it might have made moving on easier. You had such a bright future and it would have devastated me much more to destroy your dreams, more than it did when my dreams came crashing down on me. I did what I thought was best for you. Even though I am content where I am now, it was still unfair to you. I know, and I'm truly sorry. I hope this brings closure, if you ever still wonder what happened. It’s been 20 years, I’ve moved on, and I hope that you have, too. I apologize that it took me this long to pen you these words. I wish you well.

Just so you know, he knows your name.

A letter to a lover

Dear beloved,

Look into a mirror, any mirror. What do you see?
Long black hair, brown eyes, a nose, pink lips, pimpled cheeks, dark skin, and so on.

But if I were to stand beside you as you look into the mirror, I would tell you what I see.

I see:
Beauty
Strength
Purity
Gentleness
Honesty
Faithfulness
Patience
Wisdom
Hope
Peace
Joy

You mean so much to me, and I thank you so much for always being there for me.


P/S I love you too.

A letter from a friend

Dear May,

I won't ask how you were recently, because I know. Shocking, isn't it, the state our world is in? By anyone's standards, you're very slow. Honestly, I can't say I'm very surprised, seeing how well I know you.

I'll try to be a little less harsh on you. Girl, the problem with you is that you seem to know everything - but only in theory. You tend to avoid accepting cold, hard facts. You give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Learn that not everything is subjective, and whether or not you ignore a certain fact, it remains a fact. There will always be murders, rapes and homosexuality - more than you think you know of. Don't try to understand why, you never will.

Life is good for you, and people around you play fair most of the time. Sure, some do take advantage of you, and I can't say it's solely their fault, because obviously, you let yourself be preyed upon. No big deal. Wait till you grow up and meet people from all walks of life, some who will shamelessly shirk and act like they couldn't care less anyway (and get paid for it at the same time). Some who will take pride in mere mediocrity - although again, a person like you will never be able to understand why.

You build up a concrete little world around yourself, hoping that life will continue on like a fairy tale. Sorry to burst your bubble, but girl, bad things also happen to good people, and all too often, life is dictated by unforeseen external circumstances. It won't work to plan your life in detail, since life never goes according to plan. If you don't learn to adapt and let go of your idealistic ideas of people in general, you'll probably suffer a nervous breakdown. It's a jungle out there.

The bottom line is, it's high time you took off those rose-coloured spectacles you view the world with. Stop being so gullible. Your sarcasm might fool some into thinking you're wise, but underneath, both of us know that you're hopelessly idealistic and bound to be disappointed.

Cry some, play some, joke some, love some, trust some, relax some and live life some. There's nothing you can do about the state of the world, and I'd hate to see you become a pessimist, even given these brutal realities. Whatever others might do to you, always remember to live up to God's standards, not man's majority. And if life deals you a harsh blow, at least you're going to heaven. And you'll have a clear conscience. =)

Your alter-ego,
Maia

Cries of a brother

My dear Jasmine,

Hello there… It’s me, your big brother. I’m feeling great – I’ve been doing fine so far. Wonder how you feel…

It’s been a while. I haven’t seen you. I wonder how you like now. We haven’t met each other a really long time already, huh?

I wonder what your favourite colour is. Pink? Or blue? Or would you like black like I do?

I wonder who your favourite singer would be. Justin Timberlake? Adam Levine? Or, me perhaps?

I wonder what your favourite food would be. Mummy’s or Papa’s fried rice? Papa always claims his fried rice is better – but I disagree. What about you? Would you agree with me? I wonder…

I wonder what you would look like now. Tall? Short? Thin? Fat? Long hair or short hair?

Would you like sports? Would you like swimming like the rest of us do?

What would you be like Jasmine? I truly wonder…

Why do I wonder? It’s because I don’t know you. I guess God never wanted to have you born into this world. I really wished I had you. I know you’d be a kind person and you’d always support me when I’m down. Just like right now.

I think a lot about you. I wonder if you think about me. I wonder, I wonder if you’re in heaven right now, listening to my thoughts, with God by your side. I really wonder.

Hope to see you when I get to Heaven in the future. Until then, do be patient, my sister. I’m coming.

P/S It's 2 July today -- Mummy's birthday.

Your brother,

___

Wish me luck

Jakkar, my comrade and beloved brother.

Thank you, brother, for your letter. It was good to imagine your deep, clear voice resounding in my head. I am well, and I hope you are too. And I truly hope that our well-being will last, though the odds are stacked against it.

It pains me no less that I am leaving. If I could, I would have stayed in Aedila, where life is secure and carefree, safe and sound in ignorant bliss. But it is not to be. Destiny and duty calls.

Do not worry for me, or for my safety. You know as well as I do that Father, for all his shortcomings, taught us well and truly how to take care of ourselves. Indeed, if it was not for him, I wouldn't have the strength or the courage to attempt this quest. But let us not speak further about him. Let sleeping dogs lie.

I thank thee also for your advice, brother. But what you told me I already knew. But then you already knew that I knew, didn't you? I will indeed travel as a mercenary, but I'm afraid Kramr's Valley is unavoidable. All the other routes are watched too closely. I would rather brave a few mountain wolves than risk detection so early into my quest. But do not worry, my skill of Animal Kinship is as strong as ever.

But I must admit I'm afraid, brother. Not of the journey to Crydan's kingdom, but of what lies in store for me in the Wolf King's court. You know as well as I do Crydan's view of women. Diplomacy, courtesy, and etiquette may not be enough for me to even resist his depradations, what more to say persuade him to risk almost certain death. But I will do what I must.

Do not fear, brother, I have no intention of dying before you do. It may ease your worries to know that Rievan is coming with me. He will be no use in a fight, I'm afraid, but his companionship will be a steadying hand to me. His quick mind will also be welcome as we attempt to slip through the Krayt's network of spies.

Lastly, but by far not the least, there is a rumour that a new Hero has arisen in the east. An Eldritch Knight with great power is said to have crossed the Endless Sea, in preparation for the Turning of an Age. I will seek him out when I get to Crydan's kingdom.

Stay safe, brother, and may your sword never stop shining and your arm never grow weak. Hold on till I return. I may carry the hope of our people, but I will need a people to return hope to. Be the Shining One that was foretold.

Your angel and sister,
Correa

Fare thee well

Correa, my dear angel and sister,

May the blessings of heaven continue to pour into your life overflowing, and may life be abundant with returns. Your distant brother once again writes you a letter.

I heard that you are leaving. It pains me deeply to have received the news. Honestly, I wish for you to continue staying in Aedila, where it is safer. But this time, I have no say over your decision. You are a woman now, and you have the right to do what you feel is right. I must say I am awfully proud that you took up the challenge to be our messenger. But then again, I am worried for your safety.

The journey ahead of you is filled with numerous perils, and I can only pray that you keep your wits about you and stay safe. Never forget what Father has taught you. His teachings will help you survive the journey up north. Avoid Kramr's Valley - it's filled with mountain wolves this time of year. Go into the City of Garoth under the guise of a mercenary. You should be able to slip pass the emperor's bounty hunters quite easily.

Once you're in Crydan's kingdom, seek him. Do not neglect diplomacy and courtesy and etiquette. Persuade him, slowly gain his trust and bring reinforcements to our battlefield.

Try not to die, dear sister. You are the rebels' only hope. Our prayers go with you, and may the gods speed you.

And one last thing, make sure you remember to always clean your sword before you sheathe it.

Your comrade and brother,
Jakkar.