Mr Murray
I looked into the mirror. A well-dressed, sharp-looking man stared back. Brushing an imaginary speck of dust off the suit I wore, I studied the image. Life had been kind to me, at least on the surface. My image was perfect, save for the long, faded scar that began on the right side of my neck that disappeared underneath my collar. As always, I traced the scar, feeling and relieving the fiery pain that still smoldered within. There were more scars below, hidden by my shirt, and not all of them were skin-deep. Looking away, I sat down at the mahogany desk, my eyes drawn to the family photo in the ornate photo frame displayed proudly for my clients' viewing. The American Dream. The perfect family. Happy and smiling, safe and secure. Skin-deep. No one sees the tightness in her throat, the tension in my shoulders, or the hand clenched into a fist behind his body. All they see are the smiles. Skin-deep.
A sudden fire welled up in my heart as my eyes fell on the little boy standing with his sister in the middle of the picture. My son, James. My rightful heir. The boy that I had carefully groomed and cultivated in the hope that he would one day become all that I had failed to be. The boy that I had loved with all my heart. And he had been on the brink of throwing his life away. For her. His daughter. The scar on my neck throbbed. For a brief moment my heart filled with an unreasonable sense of betrayal. But I knew it was unreasonable, because James did not know, and so I willed it away. I had done enough. I had hurt James, but I did not regret it. She would only have led him astray. Led him to destruction. I knew because she looked exactly like her father. And I knew her father. Oh, I knew him very well indeed.
My eyes shifted to the left. Frances. I wondered where she was now. She moved out the first chance she got, and never spoke to me again. Even her mother would not tell me anything about her. For the umpteenth time, I wondered where I had gone wrong.
The rapping on the door caught my attention. "Come in," I said immediately. Ah, Marshall. I liked this one. Hardworking, responsible, a tad sad puppy-like, and most importantly, naive. Perfect for my purposes.
"You called me, sir?"
"Yes, yes. I wanted to talk to you."
"What about, sir?"
"I will be hosting a function tonight. And I want you to be present."
"Me, sir? I'm honoured."
"Yes, you, son. You've put up a good job performance around here. That's why I'm going to show you off to the bigshots. Oh, and before I forget, I suggest you bring a date. You know, James' ex-girlfriend. Just ask her out for the night - it'll help sharpen up your image of togetherness. And in this political business, son, your image is everything."
"Sir, I'm not too sure..."
"He won't be there tonight - he's out of town for the weekend. Don't worry. Just ask her for a favour as a friend."
"Alright, I'll ask her, sir. Thanks."
"Be here at 7 sharp. Remember, your image is everything."
"Yes, sir."
The door creaked shut behind him, and I leaned back onto the padded chair in satisfaction. Marshall, oh, Marshall. You're so in love with her. Anyone can see that. And so, you shall be the perfect instrument in keeping them apart. Diana will never hurt James again.
-Maia-
Tuesday, 25 March 2008
Tuesday, 18 March 2008
Delusions
It comes
It comes!
Fiery fire painless pain
Burning flesh and making rain
Rubbing salt into the wound
Dig out your eyeballs with a spoon
Gratification! Whereupon hence?
Go now my brother, into!
Into!
The seal
The pit
The fiery fire!
Die, fool!
Ignominious moron
Thinkest thou ruinest I?
I?
Cackling laughter makest me
Chatter-hungry lady be
For the pie before I dine
Drinketh thou with pretty wine
Go now, go now!
Fire, fear, foes!
Anger knows, anger goes
Killeth me and eatest thou
Feed the blood, fan the flame
No more suffering, no more shame
Only left with pitiest pyre
The body hung over the fire
Evil! Evil! Oh, oh!
Nothing, save me, all alone!
Tend to me you cowardly dunce
Faerie lust before the moon
Emptiness without
Reigning within queen
Of hell
Night and darkness
Beats, Time mourns
Forever lost alone, alone
The sun! It burns!
You will feel the flames soon enough
I cannot stop the sickness
And cannot fend of the madness
Consumes me
Overtakes me
Wildness whereupon within!
GO NOW!
Into the fires of damnation
Let heaven mourn
And leave me alone
Leave me alone
-The Madman-
It comes!
Fiery fire painless pain
Burning flesh and making rain
Rubbing salt into the wound
Dig out your eyeballs with a spoon
Gratification! Whereupon hence?
Go now my brother, into!
Into!
The seal
The pit
The fiery fire!
Die, fool!
Ignominious moron
Thinkest thou ruinest I?
I?
Cackling laughter makest me
Chatter-hungry lady be
For the pie before I dine
Drinketh thou with pretty wine
Go now, go now!
Fire, fear, foes!
Anger knows, anger goes
Killeth me and eatest thou
Feed the blood, fan the flame
No more suffering, no more shame
Only left with pitiest pyre
The body hung over the fire
Evil! Evil! Oh, oh!
Nothing, save me, all alone!
Tend to me you cowardly dunce
Faerie lust before the moon
Emptiness without
Reigning within queen
Of hell
Night and darkness
Beats, Time mourns
Forever lost alone, alone
The sun! It burns!
You will feel the flames soon enough
I cannot stop the sickness
And cannot fend of the madness
Consumes me
Overtakes me
Wildness whereupon within!
GO NOW!
Into the fires of damnation
Let heaven mourn
And leave me alone
Leave me alone
-The Madman-
Sunday, 16 March 2008
Homecoming
James
The sea breeze felt cool against the skin of my face. I let the warm, salty smell of the sea envelope me in its comfort. The sea that had kept us apart for so long, but the sea that was also now bringing me back. To her.
We were very near land now. We couldn't be more than three hours away. I could hear the seagulls screaming overhead, welcoming me home.
I went back into the cabin and sat. For some strange reason I felt nervous. I twiddled my thumbs and ran my hand through my hair. I fixed her image in my mind. The image that I had cherished in my memory. We were still best friends, then. Her smile lit up the entire room. I wondered if she had changed. Would she look the same, smell the same, feel the same?
I closed my eyes and leaned back, reveling in the memories of her.
***
The ship blared its horn and I woke up with a start. Looking up the window, I saw that we were docked already. I felt disappointed with myself. I had wanted to be on deck when we neared the shore, so that I could try spotting her in the crowd, to ease my anxiousness. I had wanted to be the first to spot her, to be able to fix in my mind the memory of her drawing closer as the ship neared. But it was too late for that now.
Gingerly I grabbed my carry-on and stood up. The deck was crowded with passengers attempting to disembark. I joined the throng, but my mind was far away. All that I could think of was the mass of people below, those who had come to meet the ship. Somewhere among them was Diana, waiting for me. Waiting for ME.
Forcing myself to move unhurriedly, I made my way to the gangplank. I tried to paste a nonchalant expression on my face but could only manage a silly grin. I reached the bottom and looked around, wondering why I hadn't spotted her by now. Then I saw her, and the silly grin became a nervous smile.
She approached me, smiling like an angel. I tried to say something but could not, so tongue-tied was I in her presence. I marveled at her peace of mind.
"Hey," she said pleasantly. She looked at me expectantly. I was about to raise my hand in reply when I noticed she was blushing. Her normally fair face was pale pink, giving away her own apprehension. All of a sudden my nervousness melted away, and I grinned, then chuckled. Diana was not a girl easily taken with apprehension. She smiled, though her eyes were questioning.
"You're blushing," I said. She continued smiling but blushed even deeper at my words. She opened her mouth to say something in return but I enveloped her in a hug before she said another word. I felt her stiffen in surprise, then she softened and hugged me back tightly.
"I missed you," I whispered into her ear, but it came out as a strangled "Mrsshu". She pulled away and looked at me quizzically. "You said something?"
I looked up, took a deep breath, then looked back at her.
"I missed you."
This time it came out right, but I felt my face starting to heat up. She smiled, and playfully touched my nose.
"Who's blushing now?" she asked with a grin.
I smiled, and hugged her again.
I was home.
The sea breeze felt cool against the skin of my face. I let the warm, salty smell of the sea envelope me in its comfort. The sea that had kept us apart for so long, but the sea that was also now bringing me back. To her.
We were very near land now. We couldn't be more than three hours away. I could hear the seagulls screaming overhead, welcoming me home.
I went back into the cabin and sat. For some strange reason I felt nervous. I twiddled my thumbs and ran my hand through my hair. I fixed her image in my mind. The image that I had cherished in my memory. We were still best friends, then. Her smile lit up the entire room. I wondered if she had changed. Would she look the same, smell the same, feel the same?
I closed my eyes and leaned back, reveling in the memories of her.
***
The ship blared its horn and I woke up with a start. Looking up the window, I saw that we were docked already. I felt disappointed with myself. I had wanted to be on deck when we neared the shore, so that I could try spotting her in the crowd, to ease my anxiousness. I had wanted to be the first to spot her, to be able to fix in my mind the memory of her drawing closer as the ship neared. But it was too late for that now.
Gingerly I grabbed my carry-on and stood up. The deck was crowded with passengers attempting to disembark. I joined the throng, but my mind was far away. All that I could think of was the mass of people below, those who had come to meet the ship. Somewhere among them was Diana, waiting for me. Waiting for ME.
Forcing myself to move unhurriedly, I made my way to the gangplank. I tried to paste a nonchalant expression on my face but could only manage a silly grin. I reached the bottom and looked around, wondering why I hadn't spotted her by now. Then I saw her, and the silly grin became a nervous smile.
She approached me, smiling like an angel. I tried to say something but could not, so tongue-tied was I in her presence. I marveled at her peace of mind.
"Hey," she said pleasantly. She looked at me expectantly. I was about to raise my hand in reply when I noticed she was blushing. Her normally fair face was pale pink, giving away her own apprehension. All of a sudden my nervousness melted away, and I grinned, then chuckled. Diana was not a girl easily taken with apprehension. She smiled, though her eyes were questioning.
"You're blushing," I said. She continued smiling but blushed even deeper at my words. She opened her mouth to say something in return but I enveloped her in a hug before she said another word. I felt her stiffen in surprise, then she softened and hugged me back tightly.
"I missed you," I whispered into her ear, but it came out as a strangled "Mrsshu". She pulled away and looked at me quizzically. "You said something?"
I looked up, took a deep breath, then looked back at her.
"I missed you."
This time it came out right, but I felt my face starting to heat up. She smiled, and playfully touched my nose.
"Who's blushing now?" she asked with a grin.
I smiled, and hugged her again.
I was home.
Wednesday, 12 March 2008
The Return
Diana
The rain was pouring outside, but that wasn't enough to dampen my spirits. He was coming back today. Oh, the myriad of emotions that followed that thought! A surge of warmth overwhelmed my heart, and my joy displayed itself through a grin stretched from cheek to cheek. Anticipation. Trepedition. Lovely apprehension. I coloured slightly as I wondered if he felt the same way too.
Was it just me, or was Time creeping by slowly to prolong my wait? Cruel. Positively cruel. I bounced back onto the bed and hugged my pillow tightly to myself. He's coming back, and that's all that matters. He's coming back. What does it feel like to be in love? I smiled, knowing I couldn't describe that sweet current of warmth flowing through me. All I knew, he loved me too.
***
The seconds ticked by, turning into minutes. One, two, three. I craned my neck to get a better view of the port, even though I knew his ship wasn't anywhere in sight yet. Delays. I sighed. The restlessness I felt manifested itself in my fidgeting and constant glancing at my watch. After what seemed like an interminable 15 minutes, the ship finally appeared in the misty horizon. I sighed again. It would take no less than another half hour for it to be docked properly. I began to feel the butterflies fluttering around in my stomach. Between willing the ship to hurry up and having my stomach in knots, the wait was excruciating.
But "finally" finally arrived. I caught sight of his awkward gait in the crowd of passengers disembarking from the ship. All of a sudden, I was seized by an apprehension so great I froze. He was looking around eagerly, but his eyes betrayed his nervousness as well. "He's nervous too," I chuckled despite myself. Somehow, knowing that fact was comforting.
"He's your best friend, anyway. What's the difference? You shouldn't be nervous or awkward. Just act natural," I talked myself into a calmer state, and finally found it in myself to approach him. His face lit up when he met my eyes, but I could see that my presence left him tongue-tied. Desperate to lighten up the atmosphere, I managed a feeble "hey". He averted his eyes for a split second, and looked back. And chuckled. Relieved, I began to grin again.
"You're blushing."
Oh, so that was why he was laughing. I attempted to salvage my dignity by wiping that grin off my face, but to no avail. I couldn't help myself, and blushed even deeper. So many things I wanted to say, but they all ended up stuck in my throat. He was coming closer now, and I couldn't move. Before I knew it, I was wrapped in a bear hug. All I could do was to hug him tightly in return. Suddenly, words seemed superfluous. Everything would be all right. Everything felt all right.
"Mrsshu."
Startled, I loosened my grip on him. "You said something?"
He looked up to the ceiling, took a deep breath and looked back at me.
"I missed you," He was getting choked up now.
I smiled, indicating that the feeling was mutual. I playfully touched the end of his nose.
"Who's blushing now?"
Then he smiled, and hugged me again.
-Maia-
The rain was pouring outside, but that wasn't enough to dampen my spirits. He was coming back today. Oh, the myriad of emotions that followed that thought! A surge of warmth overwhelmed my heart, and my joy displayed itself through a grin stretched from cheek to cheek. Anticipation. Trepedition. Lovely apprehension. I coloured slightly as I wondered if he felt the same way too.
Was it just me, or was Time creeping by slowly to prolong my wait? Cruel. Positively cruel. I bounced back onto the bed and hugged my pillow tightly to myself. He's coming back, and that's all that matters. He's coming back. What does it feel like to be in love? I smiled, knowing I couldn't describe that sweet current of warmth flowing through me. All I knew, he loved me too.
***
The seconds ticked by, turning into minutes. One, two, three. I craned my neck to get a better view of the port, even though I knew his ship wasn't anywhere in sight yet. Delays. I sighed. The restlessness I felt manifested itself in my fidgeting and constant glancing at my watch. After what seemed like an interminable 15 minutes, the ship finally appeared in the misty horizon. I sighed again. It would take no less than another half hour for it to be docked properly. I began to feel the butterflies fluttering around in my stomach. Between willing the ship to hurry up and having my stomach in knots, the wait was excruciating.
But "finally" finally arrived. I caught sight of his awkward gait in the crowd of passengers disembarking from the ship. All of a sudden, I was seized by an apprehension so great I froze. He was looking around eagerly, but his eyes betrayed his nervousness as well. "He's nervous too," I chuckled despite myself. Somehow, knowing that fact was comforting.
"He's your best friend, anyway. What's the difference? You shouldn't be nervous or awkward. Just act natural," I talked myself into a calmer state, and finally found it in myself to approach him. His face lit up when he met my eyes, but I could see that my presence left him tongue-tied. Desperate to lighten up the atmosphere, I managed a feeble "hey". He averted his eyes for a split second, and looked back. And chuckled. Relieved, I began to grin again.
"You're blushing."
Oh, so that was why he was laughing. I attempted to salvage my dignity by wiping that grin off my face, but to no avail. I couldn't help myself, and blushed even deeper. So many things I wanted to say, but they all ended up stuck in my throat. He was coming closer now, and I couldn't move. Before I knew it, I was wrapped in a bear hug. All I could do was to hug him tightly in return. Suddenly, words seemed superfluous. Everything would be all right. Everything felt all right.
"Mrsshu."
Startled, I loosened my grip on him. "You said something?"
He looked up to the ceiling, took a deep breath and looked back at me.
"I missed you," He was getting choked up now.
I smiled, indicating that the feeling was mutual. I playfully touched the end of his nose.
"Who's blushing now?"
Then he smiled, and hugged me again.
-Maia-
Monday, 10 March 2008
All I Want Is You
I stand here in this place
See the glory on Your face
I'm taken by the wonder of Your name
I'm desperate for Your touch
Never needed it so much...
Because all I want is You.
See the glory on Your face
I'm taken by the wonder of Your name
I'm desperate for Your touch
Never needed it so much...
Because all I want is You.
Thursday, 28 February 2008
Revelation
Diana
"Hi," a voice said behind me.
I turned around. It was her. I sighed inwardly.
"Hi," I answered in reply. I tried to smile but could only manage to half-heartedly bare my teeth. Not exactly the warmest of welcomes. She didn't seem to notice, though.
"Mind if I join you?" she asked.
"No, not at all," I replied, but the hesitation in my voice was apparent even to myself.
She slid into the seat opposite mine anyway, oblivious (or perhaps not) to the unspoken cues that I was giving.
I sipped my coffee silently, not looking at her. Maybe it was chatter that she wanted, but it was silence that she was going to get. I wasn't going to pretend to be friendly, not today, not with her.
"Can I ask you a direct question?"
I looked up. She was staring at me intently, as if trying to figure something out.
I shrugged. "Sure."
"You love him, don't you?"
I was taken aback. Now THAT was a question I hadn't been expecting.
I feigned ignorance. "What are you talking about? Love who?"
"Come on, don't act dumb. You know who. James." Her eyes held an expression that I could not name. It wasn't anger, but it certainly wasn't nonchalance either.
I opened my mouth in protest but she must have anticipated my reaction and cut me off before I could say a word.
"Every time he comes into the room, your eyes light up. And every time I try to approach you, I sense a hidden envy. And you've been morose ever since you humiliated him. A very unusual reaction, I must say. Every time someone mentions his name or the incident you look guilty and regretful."
"But that doesn't mean...."
She held up her hand to cut me off again. "Whatever you're going to say, look into my eyes before you say it."
I took a deep breath, then raised my eyes to meet hers. There was a long pause. Then I said simply, "Yes, I do."
She leaned back and gave a wry smile. "Thanks for being honest."
I looked down at my coffee, not knowing what else to say.
"He loves you too, you know."
I snapped my head back up, stunned.
"How do you...?"
"His eyes light up when YOU enter the room, not me. He talks about you all the time, even when he's talking with me. Back when the two of you were still talking to each other, he spent more time with YOU than he did with ME. And ever since you two fought, he's been feeling depressed and guilty too, just like you. And even though we're sort of together, I can sense the distance between the two of us that I don't sense when I see the two of you together. Above all, the simple fact is that he, like you, is a bad liar."
"But he told me..."
"I know what he told you. He lied."
"Then why...?"
"His father. My father is his father's primary financial supporter. You know James. You know the loyalty he has to his family. I think he even tried to convince himself that he loved me. But I knew better."
I stared at her for a while in disbelief. But she was being completely serious, and I knew she was telling me the truth, or at least what she believed was the truth.
"Why now?" I asked simply.
"Because he's leaving tomorrow."
"WHAT???"
"He's leaving tomorrow," she repeated. "You know where. He'll be gone for almost a year."
The news completely overwhelmed me. I struggled to comprehend, to process what was happening in my mind. I opened my mouth once or twice but no words came out.
"And just in case you're wondering, I'm not mad. I love him, but I know that I'm not right for him. You are." With that said, she stood up abruptly, turned, and walked away, but I could have sworn that I saw a silent tear roll down her cheek.
And all I felt inside was turmoil.
"Hi," a voice said behind me.
I turned around. It was her. I sighed inwardly.
"Hi," I answered in reply. I tried to smile but could only manage to half-heartedly bare my teeth. Not exactly the warmest of welcomes. She didn't seem to notice, though.
"Mind if I join you?" she asked.
"No, not at all," I replied, but the hesitation in my voice was apparent even to myself.
She slid into the seat opposite mine anyway, oblivious (or perhaps not) to the unspoken cues that I was giving.
I sipped my coffee silently, not looking at her. Maybe it was chatter that she wanted, but it was silence that she was going to get. I wasn't going to pretend to be friendly, not today, not with her.
"Can I ask you a direct question?"
I looked up. She was staring at me intently, as if trying to figure something out.
I shrugged. "Sure."
"You love him, don't you?"
I was taken aback. Now THAT was a question I hadn't been expecting.
I feigned ignorance. "What are you talking about? Love who?"
"Come on, don't act dumb. You know who. James." Her eyes held an expression that I could not name. It wasn't anger, but it certainly wasn't nonchalance either.
I opened my mouth in protest but she must have anticipated my reaction and cut me off before I could say a word.
"Every time he comes into the room, your eyes light up. And every time I try to approach you, I sense a hidden envy. And you've been morose ever since you humiliated him. A very unusual reaction, I must say. Every time someone mentions his name or the incident you look guilty and regretful."
"But that doesn't mean...."
She held up her hand to cut me off again. "Whatever you're going to say, look into my eyes before you say it."
I took a deep breath, then raised my eyes to meet hers. There was a long pause. Then I said simply, "Yes, I do."
She leaned back and gave a wry smile. "Thanks for being honest."
I looked down at my coffee, not knowing what else to say.
"He loves you too, you know."
I snapped my head back up, stunned.
"How do you...?"
"His eyes light up when YOU enter the room, not me. He talks about you all the time, even when he's talking with me. Back when the two of you were still talking to each other, he spent more time with YOU than he did with ME. And ever since you two fought, he's been feeling depressed and guilty too, just like you. And even though we're sort of together, I can sense the distance between the two of us that I don't sense when I see the two of you together. Above all, the simple fact is that he, like you, is a bad liar."
"But he told me..."
"I know what he told you. He lied."
"Then why...?"
"His father. My father is his father's primary financial supporter. You know James. You know the loyalty he has to his family. I think he even tried to convince himself that he loved me. But I knew better."
I stared at her for a while in disbelief. But she was being completely serious, and I knew she was telling me the truth, or at least what she believed was the truth.
"Why now?" I asked simply.
"Because he's leaving tomorrow."
"WHAT???"
"He's leaving tomorrow," she repeated. "You know where. He'll be gone for almost a year."
The news completely overwhelmed me. I struggled to comprehend, to process what was happening in my mind. I opened my mouth once or twice but no words came out.
"And just in case you're wondering, I'm not mad. I love him, but I know that I'm not right for him. You are." With that said, she stood up abruptly, turned, and walked away, but I could have sworn that I saw a silent tear roll down her cheek.
And all I felt inside was turmoil.
Wednesday, 20 February 2008
Confrontation
*This is Angela's meeting with Marshall at the end of the story.
Angela
I could feel my face starting to heat up, I could hear my heartbeat picking up pace. My palms were cold and I think I may have just lost my ability to form words. The topic of our conversation wasn't exactly my forte.
"Let's settle this once and for all," he declared. I could sense the frustration boiling up in his voice, he was getting impatient.
I just shook my head gently, I didn't know what else to say or do. I was already reaching for my bag, ready to make a run for it.
Just as I turned my back on him, he stood up from where he was sitting. With one swift move, he managed to wrap his fingers around my hand, preventing me from making my getaway.
"Please," was all he murmured, his voice barely audible.
I stared at my feet, trying my best not to make any eye contact with him.
"What are you so afraid of?" he asked. I just shrugged. I had the answer to his question in my head, and I wasn't planning on sharing it with the world. Not yet, anyway.
It was as if time had frozen the two of us in our positions. We stood a foot away from each other, my hand was still in his. It felt nice like that and I secretly wished he would never let go. I quickly banished the thought just as it surfaced in my stream of consciousness. What on earth are you thinking? I almost yelled out loud. I gave myself a subconscious whack in the head.
I could tell he wasn't about to give up, his eyes were still searching my face for answers.
"Okay, I see you're not going to budge," he loosened his fingers and released my hand from his grip. "You were always the stubborn one," he continued. I looked up from my feet and gave his face a quick glance, his face was unreadable but his eyes looked defeated.
Oh, that done it. That very look did the trick. Is this reverse psychology or what?
"You," Someone who had a voice very similar to mine mumbled. That couldn't be me, right? Oh crap, I think it is me.
"What?" he sounded surprised to hear me speak too.
"Of you. You asked me what I was afraid of, and it's you," Nothing stopped the voice now. It was going on a roll and I couldn't contain it!
The defeated look in his eyes was now replaced with one of hurt.
"But, why?"
I didn't want to go on, but I couldn't possibly leave it at that. I sighed. He needed to know the whole truth.
"Well, because.. because I just do," I said. Oops, that didn't come out quite right. I'm horrendously bad at this, bad at discussing feelings of this sort. Honestly, I like being on the sidelines more. I was usually the one people came to when they needed a listening ear, I'd take being a listener any day of the week. I sighed inwardly. I really wasn't feeling this role reversal thing. I stared at him, praying that he got the unspoken message anyway.
Maybe he knew I didn't mean it like that, maybe he could sense the uncertainty in my quivering voice when I said those words to him. He seemed to have understood well enough because the mood somehow lightened up a bit. Before long, his lips were pulled into a smile, and I found myself grinning back easily.
Again, there was silence between us. Only this time, it wasn't of the awkward sort. It just seemed natural, until he decided to break it.
"I like you," he blurted out. Although there was no indication that he let the information slip unintentionally. Maybe he had rehearsed it all?
Oh no... did he just say what I think he just said?
"Excuse me?" I managed to mutter. I'm surprised I haven't started fleeing yet.
"I like you, I like you a lot, I have ever since..." his voice trailed, "I'm-not-sure-when.. but that's not the point," he ran his fingers through his hair, frustration creeping up his face. He didn't look quite like his usual self right then. He actually seemed.. nervous.
Watching him fret was pretty amusing, I was kind of enjoying it. It wasn't everyday I see a usually self-assured guy have a little anxiety attack right in front of me.
"The point is...," He looked up, that's when his eyes and mine met. He saw that I was smiling at him and decided to stray from the topic, "And what are you grinning at?"
I shook my head and smiled some more.
"I'm standing here... pouring my heart out to you and all you do is smile that goofy grin of yours?" he said, I knew he was teasing me.
"Well, what else do you propose me do? Break down and start sobbing uncontrallably?" I asked in return, my tone was that of a joking one. I even faked an unconvincing laugh to accompany my lame attempt at the joke. Although I'm beginning to sense that this really didn't seem the best of times to crack a funny line.
He didn't laugh along with me, much to my despair. He just looked at me with those impenetrable eyes of his. I groaned. I hated it when I couldn't read him.
"Hey, that was pretty fun-," I started defensively, but never got to finish the sentence. Before I even saw it coming, I found myself wrapped tightly in his arms. That little gesture took me by surprise. The smell of his freshly laundered shirt, coupled with his familiar clean boyish scent lingered on in my mind. I felt strangely at ease, just standing there with my head on his shoulders. I won't lie, there were butterflies swarming about my insides and my heartbeat was missing a skip or two.
Oddly enough, I didn't seem to mind them one bit.
"Of course I don't want you to cry, you goof," he laughed. I felt his fingers caressing my hair gently. "Hugging me back would be preferable," Upon hearing what he said, I smiled despite myself.
"You know? For someone who claims that she's scared of yours truly here, you don't look like you're in a state of horror right now," he teased some more.
"Oh?" I pushed away and looked up at him.
"Who said I wasn't scared, still?" I challenged.
He pinched my nose lightly and said, "Well, I can safely assume that you don't exactly hold onto people you deem frightful quite as tightly, do you?"
Incredulous! How could.. how could he read me like an open book? I immediately pulled away from him and crossed my arms defensively.
"Come on, I was kidding, you know I was,"
"Now please enlighten me, why do I scare you so much?" he asked with a quizzical expression plastered on his face.
"You really don't know, do you?" I asked in disbelief. Was he really that dumb? I heard a dark laughter sound deep inside me. Or was he just faking it? A smirk playing on my lips. I think the latter seemed more believable.
"Would I ask you if I knew the answer?" he tilted his head and looked me straight in the eyes, sounding a little cocky again.
I stared right back, something I wouldn't normally do under the circumstances. Where did this rush of courage come from? Maybe it was the excess adrenaline? Weird how the human body works huh?
"Okay, you sure you want to know? I mean, we can talk about something else you know?" I asked, rhetorically. I was stalling for time, trying my best to somehow change the topic. Yeah right, I wish it was that easy to get out of this conversation.
My plan clearly wasn't working. He seemed to know me well enough.
He strategically placed his hands on the wall, cornering me into the confinements of his arms. We were standing close enough, but barely touching at all.
Tense, much?
"Just tell me.. I promise I won't cry," he winked at me coyly.
"Alright," I whispered. I guess I might as well come clean this time... Or else I'll never get to leave in one piece!
"I'm scared of you," I started, my eyes darting from his eyes to something irrelevant in the distance, "Because you make me feel like I'm not me anymore when I'm with you," I muttered. "It's like I can't control what and how I feel.. like my emotions aren't even mine,"
"What scares the living daylights out of me is that I can't seem to not think about you, how every little thing I come across seems to remind me of you," I took a deep breath and went on, "And the fact that my heart and my brain can no longer cooperate with me anymore,"
"But I guess.. what frightens me most is losing you," I kicked at an invisible rock by my feet. "Though I never exactly had you in the first place, per se," I uttered under my breath.
"I..." I shuffled my feet and glanced at him, "What I'm trying to say is that, I think I.. kind of.. maybe.. like you, as more than just a friend,"
There! I said it! I said it all! Happy now?
I felt my ears turn red as I finished up my super long and winding award winning speech. Letting it all out was a relief, I was breathing easy once more. With nothing else left to do, I began admiring my shoes again.
He tilted my chin, and I found myself staring into his eyes for the umpteenth time today. Crap, I think I'm blushing.. he never fails to do that to me.
"What a coincidence," he beamed.
"I feel the exact same way too," he whispered into my ear and I caught a glimpse of his smiling eyes.
-Rachel-
Angela
I could feel my face starting to heat up, I could hear my heartbeat picking up pace. My palms were cold and I think I may have just lost my ability to form words. The topic of our conversation wasn't exactly my forte.
"Let's settle this once and for all," he declared. I could sense the frustration boiling up in his voice, he was getting impatient.
I just shook my head gently, I didn't know what else to say or do. I was already reaching for my bag, ready to make a run for it.
Just as I turned my back on him, he stood up from where he was sitting. With one swift move, he managed to wrap his fingers around my hand, preventing me from making my getaway.
"Please," was all he murmured, his voice barely audible.
I stared at my feet, trying my best not to make any eye contact with him.
"What are you so afraid of?" he asked. I just shrugged. I had the answer to his question in my head, and I wasn't planning on sharing it with the world. Not yet, anyway.
It was as if time had frozen the two of us in our positions. We stood a foot away from each other, my hand was still in his. It felt nice like that and I secretly wished he would never let go. I quickly banished the thought just as it surfaced in my stream of consciousness. What on earth are you thinking? I almost yelled out loud. I gave myself a subconscious whack in the head.
I could tell he wasn't about to give up, his eyes were still searching my face for answers.
"Okay, I see you're not going to budge," he loosened his fingers and released my hand from his grip. "You were always the stubborn one," he continued. I looked up from my feet and gave his face a quick glance, his face was unreadable but his eyes looked defeated.
Oh, that done it. That very look did the trick. Is this reverse psychology or what?
"You," Someone who had a voice very similar to mine mumbled. That couldn't be me, right? Oh crap, I think it is me.
"What?" he sounded surprised to hear me speak too.
"Of you. You asked me what I was afraid of, and it's you," Nothing stopped the voice now. It was going on a roll and I couldn't contain it!
The defeated look in his eyes was now replaced with one of hurt.
"But, why?"
I didn't want to go on, but I couldn't possibly leave it at that. I sighed. He needed to know the whole truth.
"Well, because.. because I just do," I said. Oops, that didn't come out quite right. I'm horrendously bad at this, bad at discussing feelings of this sort. Honestly, I like being on the sidelines more. I was usually the one people came to when they needed a listening ear, I'd take being a listener any day of the week. I sighed inwardly. I really wasn't feeling this role reversal thing. I stared at him, praying that he got the unspoken message anyway.
Maybe he knew I didn't mean it like that, maybe he could sense the uncertainty in my quivering voice when I said those words to him. He seemed to have understood well enough because the mood somehow lightened up a bit. Before long, his lips were pulled into a smile, and I found myself grinning back easily.
Again, there was silence between us. Only this time, it wasn't of the awkward sort. It just seemed natural, until he decided to break it.
"I like you," he blurted out. Although there was no indication that he let the information slip unintentionally. Maybe he had rehearsed it all?
Oh no... did he just say what I think he just said?
"Excuse me?" I managed to mutter. I'm surprised I haven't started fleeing yet.
"I like you, I like you a lot, I have ever since..." his voice trailed, "I'm-not-sure-when.. but that's not the point," he ran his fingers through his hair, frustration creeping up his face. He didn't look quite like his usual self right then. He actually seemed.. nervous.
Watching him fret was pretty amusing, I was kind of enjoying it. It wasn't everyday I see a usually self-assured guy have a little anxiety attack right in front of me.
"The point is...," He looked up, that's when his eyes and mine met. He saw that I was smiling at him and decided to stray from the topic, "And what are you grinning at?"
I shook my head and smiled some more.
"I'm standing here... pouring my heart out to you and all you do is smile that goofy grin of yours?" he said, I knew he was teasing me.
"Well, what else do you propose me do? Break down and start sobbing uncontrallably?" I asked in return, my tone was that of a joking one. I even faked an unconvincing laugh to accompany my lame attempt at the joke. Although I'm beginning to sense that this really didn't seem the best of times to crack a funny line.
He didn't laugh along with me, much to my despair. He just looked at me with those impenetrable eyes of his. I groaned. I hated it when I couldn't read him.
"Hey, that was pretty fun-," I started defensively, but never got to finish the sentence. Before I even saw it coming, I found myself wrapped tightly in his arms. That little gesture took me by surprise. The smell of his freshly laundered shirt, coupled with his familiar clean boyish scent lingered on in my mind. I felt strangely at ease, just standing there with my head on his shoulders. I won't lie, there were butterflies swarming about my insides and my heartbeat was missing a skip or two.
Oddly enough, I didn't seem to mind them one bit.
"Of course I don't want you to cry, you goof," he laughed. I felt his fingers caressing my hair gently. "Hugging me back would be preferable," Upon hearing what he said, I smiled despite myself.
"You know? For someone who claims that she's scared of yours truly here, you don't look like you're in a state of horror right now," he teased some more.
"Oh?" I pushed away and looked up at him.
"Who said I wasn't scared, still?" I challenged.
He pinched my nose lightly and said, "Well, I can safely assume that you don't exactly hold onto people you deem frightful quite as tightly, do you?"
Incredulous! How could.. how could he read me like an open book? I immediately pulled away from him and crossed my arms defensively.
"Come on, I was kidding, you know I was,"
"Now please enlighten me, why do I scare you so much?" he asked with a quizzical expression plastered on his face.
"You really don't know, do you?" I asked in disbelief. Was he really that dumb? I heard a dark laughter sound deep inside me. Or was he just faking it? A smirk playing on my lips. I think the latter seemed more believable.
"Would I ask you if I knew the answer?" he tilted his head and looked me straight in the eyes, sounding a little cocky again.
I stared right back, something I wouldn't normally do under the circumstances. Where did this rush of courage come from? Maybe it was the excess adrenaline? Weird how the human body works huh?
"Okay, you sure you want to know? I mean, we can talk about something else you know?" I asked, rhetorically. I was stalling for time, trying my best to somehow change the topic. Yeah right, I wish it was that easy to get out of this conversation.
My plan clearly wasn't working. He seemed to know me well enough.
He strategically placed his hands on the wall, cornering me into the confinements of his arms. We were standing close enough, but barely touching at all.
Tense, much?
"Just tell me.. I promise I won't cry," he winked at me coyly.
"Alright," I whispered. I guess I might as well come clean this time... Or else I'll never get to leave in one piece!
"I'm scared of you," I started, my eyes darting from his eyes to something irrelevant in the distance, "Because you make me feel like I'm not me anymore when I'm with you," I muttered. "It's like I can't control what and how I feel.. like my emotions aren't even mine,"
"What scares the living daylights out of me is that I can't seem to not think about you, how every little thing I come across seems to remind me of you," I took a deep breath and went on, "And the fact that my heart and my brain can no longer cooperate with me anymore,"
"But I guess.. what frightens me most is losing you," I kicked at an invisible rock by my feet. "Though I never exactly had you in the first place, per se," I uttered under my breath.
"I..." I shuffled my feet and glanced at him, "What I'm trying to say is that, I think I.. kind of.. maybe.. like you, as more than just a friend,"
There! I said it! I said it all! Happy now?
I felt my ears turn red as I finished up my super long and winding award winning speech. Letting it all out was a relief, I was breathing easy once more. With nothing else left to do, I began admiring my shoes again.
He tilted my chin, and I found myself staring into his eyes for the umpteenth time today. Crap, I think I'm blushing.. he never fails to do that to me.
"What a coincidence," he beamed.
"I feel the exact same way too," he whispered into my ear and I caught a glimpse of his smiling eyes.
-Rachel-
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