Looking back 20 years later, it's amazing to note how life turned out the way it did. No, “amazing” isn’t the right word. At that very moment, it was devastating – so utterly crushed was my bright, hopeful heart, so utterly razed to the ground the dreams built on youthful idealism. They say time heals. Perhaps, but I prefer to believe that time numbs. Some scars don’t fade – they manifest themselves in the form of a crooked smile in memory of events. You know, the kind that doesn’t make it to your eyes. So yeah, perhaps a better word than “amazing” would be…mind-blowing. It wasn’t entirely terrible, because fatalism, which set in after a while, dictated that I see the best in everything. When you learn to watch for the slightest hint of beauty in the midst of murky darkness, you tend to notice so much more. Life wasn’t always painful, it was seldom totally bad, it was never without that glimmer of hope.
I don’t remember every single detail of what took place, but when I try to, the familiar feelings flood over me with overwhelming intricacy, leaving me descending into what seems to be the cellar of my heart. Over the years, the door hinges have rusted. I gradually stopped reliving the heartbreak and heartache. I have stopped feeling sorry for myself. It was easier to march forward mechanically, holding back the tears till an opportune time when no one was watching. There were times I second-guessed my choices. I was proud and young then. I took matters into my own hands with the detached pragmatism I so prized. No one knew the pretzel my heart had twisted into, and I didn’t want their pity anyway. No, I didn’t want their wisdom, I wanted to take full responsibility for our mistake. My mistake. I wanted to do what was noble, forgetting in youthful pride that my judgement of what was best could be clouded. I don’t believe what I did was noble anymore, but I don’t know if I would have wanted it any other way either.
I’m sorry for everything you didn’t have a say in. Life would have been different (though not necessarily better) if you did. I thought it was best that you didn’t know anything – it might have made moving on easier. You had such a bright future and it would have devastated me much more to destroy your dreams, more than it did when my dreams came crashing down on me. I did what I thought was best for you. Even though I am content where I am now, it was still unfair to you. I know, and I'm truly sorry. I hope this brings closure, if you ever still wonder what happened. It’s been 20 years, I’ve moved on, and I hope that you have, too. I apologize that it took me this long to pen you these words. I wish you well.
Just so you know, he knows your name.
