What I Imagine

It's been a while since I've last felt this way. Everything that I've been feeling and thinking, I've held it all up inside of me. When I try to vocalize it, I fail to find a good grip on the ideas and concepts that I want to speak about. It's like my thoughts, insecurities, fears, hopes, dreams, expectations, dreams, realities, and my essence are spattered across the space of my mind like a haphazardly interconnected web. There were a few previous attempts at publishing my thoughts in some form of comprehensible, linear narration. But I quickly abandoned them because my feelings just run helter-skelter, as if an unknown monster was hunting them and they were trying to escape without reason.

Tonight, for the umpteenth time, I will finally succeed. I trust myself enough in this iteration. No more holding back, no more thinking, no more aimless flailing around. I will just put it down in words whatever that needs to be said. I won't worry anymore about missing out on a point which I feel might be important to make, nor about spending too much time on anything.

Pushing aside the flamboyance and verbosity, all I wanted to say actually was that I've forgotten what it feels like to be excited. And all this time, I was so afraid of being unable to explain why. So afraid of people misunderstanding my situation, afraid of people having inaccurate suppositions about what I'm going through. But I've realized already, that just gets in the way of me being me. So tonight I'm just going to be me, even if this period lasts only for a pitiful modicum of this fragment in time.

I was thinking of writing something significant to express my excitement about Jia Wern's wedding to May. But I kept fearing what others would think of me. Would I appear too casual, too nonchalant? Would I sound distant? Would I fall short of my own expectations of what a best friend groomsman is supposed to be like? What should I say, what can I say that would be perfect for this union of two lovers whom I boldly claim to be my friends?

I can only hope I don't cause either one of them to feel bad that I've been grueling to get the fact that I'm a groomsman registered into my psyche. But that's the truth; I'm selfish and insecure, when there's nothing to actually be anxious about. They deserve more than that. I cherish the opportunity to share one of their happiest moments in their lives, and I'm gonna have to man up about this whole affair.

So I've finally made up my mind. I'm determined that the best response I can have is to just join them in their reveling. To be at least half as excited as they are. To be excited at knowing a fraction of their journey of coming together, at knowing that they're finally tying the knot, and at knowing that they're going to spend the rest of their lives growing deeper in love with each other.

If that ain't exciting enough, I don't know what else would be. It's definitely very, very exciting. Well, that's what I imagine. ;)