Conflict

Diana

"You're doing it again. Stop it! Just...stop it. We have to talk. Now."

I could read the frustration and anger in his voice. He stopped pacing around and looked straight at me, his flaming eyes boring through mine. I froze, my hand on the doorknob. I was so choked up and disorientated that I could barely speak, my tears blurring my vision.

"Don't run away. You always do that. Please. I...I love you. But that doesn't mean you can keep on doing things I don't understand. I want to know why. Help me understand. Please."

"Not now."

I swiftly left before he could say another word, before he could wring my heart anymore with that voice of his - that voice that I loved so much. I needed to be alone. Alone with my thoughts. Alone with my overwhelming emotions. Time. Yes, I needed time. Alone. Desperately.

Why? Will he trust me anymore? It wasn't my fault. I didn't do anything wrong. Did I do something wrong? Where did I go wrong? I love him. I love him. I love him. He's hurt. I can't bear to see him like this. I don't want to lose him. My incoherent, disorganized thoughts merged into a confusing mixture of whys, whats and hows. I tried to understand and organize my own emotions, but to no avail. Curled up miserably in the corner of my bedroom, I shed some more silent tears and whimpered into my pillow soundlessly. So tired. So exhausted...

The phone rang, jolting me up with a start. When did I fall asleep? I was suddenly aware of how fatigued I felt. The phone was still ringing jarringly. Dread enveloped me as I recalled the confrontation - if he was calling, I didn't want to pick up. Yet I wanted to pick up just to hear his voice. I missed him. So, so badly. However, I wasn't ready to face him yet. Fear wrestled with the black hole that was once my heart. The phone finally stopped ringing, and I breathed again. No, not now. I was still incoherent. I had reasons for my actions, but I could not express them. The words just wouldn't come to me.

It would take some time for me to recover. But I missed him. So much. The ache gnawed at my heart, nibbling away at what was left of it. I knew it was there to stay for awhile. Until I made things right again. Until I had the courage to explain my guiltless motives. But he wouldn't understand - not now. Not with the odds stacked up against me. It wasn't the right time. Desperation and depression clawed at me, pulling me both ways. I needed to do something, anything to get this burden off my chest- but I was afraid of worsening the situation with my incoherency. I had to wait this out. Yes, time. I needed time.

And time, was precisely what I didn't have.

-May-