Guilty as charged

James

I slam the door behind me and wipe the fake smirk from my face. Already I miss her. I miss the way she lights up my life with her antics. I cannot help myself. I'll never forgive myself for hurting her, to keep her away from me. And father. Why did it have to be her? Anyone else, just not her. My heart sours as I recall how devastated she looked. Guilty as charged, I suppose. A part of me yearns to believe that she never meant to harm father's political campaign. My heart tells me so, but father claims otherwise. And father's always right.

I feel dead inside. I need her. I want her. I love her. Yes, no doubt about it. I am in love with a girl I cannot have, and I am with another girl - a girl I think I love. I have no desire to hurt either, and that, should be love enough. But if I truly search my own desires, I know who I'd rather be with. The one unattainable. Unattainable for ties of loyalty.

But no. I must protect father, whatever the cost. Whatever. The. Cost.

***

I trudged down the hallway, unconsciously hoping to catch just a glimpse of her. Every nerve in me willed me to apologize, to see that forgiving smile etched across her face again. My heart was so heavy that I felt my legs turn to lead. The damage I'd done was irreparable. She would never forgive me again. Maybe it was best that things were left as they were. Maybe that throbbing ache I felt would gradually numb. After all, time heals all things.

I opened my locker unseeingly, mechanically. Everything was routine. A routine meaningless, now that she was out of my life.

A movement caught my eye. I blinked and focused.

And screamed. And slammed the locker door shut. I found my hands trembling, sweat forming profusely on my forehead. There was a sudden silence all around, and I could feel a hundred pairs of eyes burning into my back.

After what seemed like an eternity, I ran. The feeling of humiliation seared itself into my heart. A bright red, burning scar.

***

I slumped against the wall of the toilet cubicle, trying to steady my ragged breaths.

'Truth or dare,' She smirked.

'Truth,' I had nothing to hide.

'No fun. I know almost everything about you. Wait a minute.'

She had that mischievous glint in her eyes again. The sunlight touched her face, illuminating her features. She looked radiant, the inner light she possessed shining through. I felt a sudden urge to toy with her hair, but held back. I was getting more and more of these silly, queer urges nowadays.

'Tell me, are you afraid of anything? Any animal? Any object?'

I was caught unawares.

' Aha! You ARE afraid of something. The truth, mister, and nothing but the truth. Someone's not so manly anymore, huh?'

I saw that little boy again in my mind's eye. That tear-streaked, grubby face, distraught at Shadow's death.

'Mummy, where's Shadow? Is he coming back? Ever?'

'Shh, honey, he's in heaven now. God's taking care of him. God loves him as much as you do. Don't you worry, precious.'

But sissy said otherwise. Sissy said Shadow was still in the backyard, underneath the big, old tree. That little boy believed her. He wanted Shadow back. Shadow was his only friend. He missed Shadow.

So he dug Shadow up.

THEY'RE EATING HIM! Traumatized and disorientated, the little boy fled to his bedroom, buried his face in his pillow and blubbered incoherently. The nightmares would haunt him from that day onwards until he grew much older. But the fear never left. And nobody ever found out. Not even sissy. Shadow's carcass was found and reburied, but nothing more was said of that day.

Now, sworn to secrecy, she knew.

And only she could have engineered this plan. A dark, gloomy cloud hung over my head. So this was how far it had gone. I didn't feel angry at her. I deserved it. I wanted to punish myself.

I deserved it.