Secret no more

Angela

It was his eyes that gave him away. Those deep, brown, expressive eyes of his. If you stares into those eyes long enough, you can eventually make out every emotion he feels. They're like a mirror into his soul.

And that is precisely why he will never be a good liar. He can try to convince everyone, even himself, otherwise, but his true feelings shine forth if one looks closely enough. Perhaps that's the quality of genuineness that puts everyone around him at ease. One always knows when he is sincere.

I couldn't see that at first. Blinded by my ecstatic joy in his seeming interest in me, I failed to look closely enough. It had been a dream for so long, an unconscious desire for so many months that I jumped in without looking when the dream seemingly came true. I didn't WANT to look any closer. I didn't WANT to question him. I just wanted HIM.

My mistake. He doesn't really love me, I know that now. He tries to convince himself that he does, but I can tell. He loves someone else. He loves HER. His eyes sparkle only when she's around. A dead giveaway.

I suppose I should be angry about it. Technically he's cheating on me emotionally, the worst possible kind of dishonesty. But I can't feel angry. I understand his motives too well. He's bound by a loyalty so strong that only love can break. And I just cannot fault him for having the very quality that I so love about him. He cannot help what he feels.

All I feel is sadness. Because I know that I must end this, for both our sakes. He will never be completely happy in this relationship, and I will never be completely happy knowing that he is unhappy. So I must end this, somehow.

And hope that somewhere, sometime, somehow, I'll be able to love again.